i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
