just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
