Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I deserve this hangover.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
