i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
