dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
