guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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