I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
