You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
