I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
