And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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