So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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