dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize