I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
