Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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