I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
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Do I have a choice?
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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