I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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