My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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