At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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