Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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