They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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