You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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