I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
