FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
