Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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