I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
