I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
