Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
