My cat gives me a boner
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
worst night to have a conscience
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
