and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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