my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
3pm strippers are depressing
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
