ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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