you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
