Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
