at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize