wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
