remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
