if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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