I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
