you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
