I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
