he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
