Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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