Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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