I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
