i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize