Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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