Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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