i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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