Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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