I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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