So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
