God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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