Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
