Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
