he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
