fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I am spending my child support on dildos
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize