I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
