Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
