I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
