I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
