I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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