Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
