I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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