Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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