It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
