First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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