my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I did not marry a roomba.
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