i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
